so the blog is back, bitches! or maybe just one or two of you, bitches! because a couple of you bitches turned out to be ACTUAL bitches which is much less fun than being a bitch. if you know what i mean.
what could be non-facebookable? nothing says happy holidays in my family like a mug shot!
for those of you who haven't met him, i'd like to introduce you to my dad, douglas dragert, age 64, camdenton, mo. that's how the local papers are listing him.
he apparently decided last thursday (the 17th, not christmas eve....the man has more class than that) to go drinking at the local bar. with a 9mm pistol concealed under his jacket. daddy got SHIT FACED and when he decided to drive home, the bar attempted to talk him into taking a cab instead. allegedly (because you are innocent of the felony you are being charged with until proven guilty) he then threw his glass at an employee. during the ensuing fight, another patron saw the loaded gun and took it from him. daddy was arrested at the scene and charged with possession of a firearm while intoxicated, a class D felony.
i'm not sure if he has a concealed weapons permit, what with him being mentally disabled and all. i would think not, but you never know. he's got a whole arsenal in his basement. i'd love to see the local sheriff take away from crazy town. i mean do you really need a russian machine gun to kill pesky squirrels at the lake?
a class D felony in missouri can buy you a fine of up to $5k and a jail stint of up to 4 years, by the way. i'm sure i'll just have to follow the camden county news because as far as my dad is concerned, this didn't even happen.
in fact, when i called him the tuesday after the bar fight, he mentioned that the cable guy was there fixing his new TV. i said how cool that would be to watch his stupid history shows in HD. he said he wasn't seeing too well with his black eyes.
"how did you get a pair of black eyes?!" asked me.
"i rolled my ATV." says he without any sort of hesitation. not "i was being a jackass in a bar." or "i was trying to relive my college days by fighting a bouncer."
oh, the holiday merriment only gets better!! how did i find this news nugget? do i usually follow springfield missouri's channel 3 news? my mom's uncle let her know he'd seen her ex in the local paper! NEEET! so my brother is scheduled to go to my dad's christmas afternoon with his wife (who my dad hates) and his 2 children, one of whom is a tantrum thrower (who my dad also hates).
fortunately, the wife is a devout christian and has been praying for a way to get out of the holiday visit. so god begets a blizzard upon kansas city. and they decide it's too nasty to drive. dad is pissy and jay gives him a lecture on minding his manners and not drinking in front of his kids. dad gets PISSED and tells jay he can suck it.
on december 26 got begets ANOTHER several inches upon kansas city. jay calls the step mom and tells her it's still too nasty to risk it in the minivan and that he'll mail the gifts for dad and maggie.
dad calls back 5 minutes later and tells jay to suck it HARD and to keep his fucking christmas gifts.
HO HO HO!! grandpa sez merry christmas, kiddies!
so i'm not sure if i'm supposed to mail MY gifts or not or if i should call this jackass and set him straight. historically speaking, we do not discuss anything more emotionally involved than the price of gas or the weather, so i'm thinking i'll just avoid this one completely.
hope your holidays were merry!
3 comments:
OMG!
that is totally awesome. sometimes christmas just isn't christmas without a good gun and drinking story. but my favorite has to be "Suck it Hard":)
Ladies, you should know that my Uncle Doug is also my godfather, which makes him my beloved spiritual advisor. I'm thrilled to have had this Christmas miracle to learn about wisdom and REALLY grow as a person. Ya know?
Den, I'm going to e him to be a bold bitch you can admire. He's too afraid to fly to Hawaii so he can't kill me. There is also no inheritance to lose because he's too crazy to work. I'll let you know how that one comes out.
You really should post the email I sent to you. Too good not to share with those you love.
Merry, merry everyone!!!
Wow... All I can say is that's awesome. If it makes you feel better, my dad got my mom her second hand gun for Christmas. My dad also bought himself one: a silver six shooter Dirty Harry gun with a 12 inch barrel and scope. Yes, a scope. Because he's going to use it to shoot deer. He says that there's just no challenge left with deer. He's tired of the 'one shot, one kill' he's really looking for a challenge. You should have seen my husband's face when my dad asked if we wanted to see his new pistol, and then pulled out that monstrosity. Awesome.
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