It's Been a LOOONNNGGG Time!!

but some things are simply too complicated for facebook.


so the blog is back, bitches! or maybe just one or two of you, bitches! because a couple of you bitches turned out to be ACTUAL bitches which is much less fun than being a bitch. if you know what i mean.


what could be non-facebookable? nothing says happy holidays in my family like a mug shot!


for those of you who haven't met him, i'd like to introduce you to my dad, douglas dragert, age 64, camdenton, mo. that's how the local papers are listing him.


he apparently decided last thursday (the 17th, not christmas eve....the man has more class than that) to go drinking at the local bar. with a 9mm pistol concealed under his jacket. daddy got SHIT FACED and when he decided to drive home, the bar attempted to talk him into taking a cab instead. allegedly (because you are innocent of the felony you are being charged with until proven guilty) he then threw his glass at an employee. during the ensuing fight, another patron saw the loaded gun and took it from him. daddy was arrested at the scene and charged with possession of a firearm while intoxicated, a class D felony.


i'm not sure if he has a concealed weapons permit, what with him being mentally disabled and all. i would think not, but you never know. he's got a whole arsenal in his basement. i'd love to see the local sheriff take away from crazy town. i mean do you really need a russian machine gun to kill pesky squirrels at the lake?


a class D felony in missouri can buy you a fine of up to $5k and a jail stint of up to 4 years, by the way. i'm sure i'll just have to follow the camden county news because as far as my dad is concerned, this didn't even happen.


in fact, when i called him the tuesday after the bar fight, he mentioned that the cable guy was there fixing his new TV. i said how cool that would be to watch his stupid history shows in HD. he said he wasn't seeing too well with his black eyes.


"how did you get a pair of black eyes?!" asked me.


"i rolled my ATV." says he without any sort of hesitation. not "i was being a jackass in a bar." or "i was trying to relive my college days by fighting a bouncer."


oh, the holiday merriment only gets better!! how did i find this news nugget? do i usually follow springfield missouri's channel 3 news? my mom's uncle let her know he'd seen her ex in the local paper! NEEET! so my brother is scheduled to go to my dad's christmas afternoon with his wife (who my dad hates) and his 2 children, one of whom is a tantrum thrower (who my dad also hates).


fortunately, the wife is a devout christian and has been praying for a way to get out of the holiday visit. so god begets a blizzard upon kansas city. and they decide it's too nasty to drive. dad is pissy and jay gives him a lecture on minding his manners and not drinking in front of his kids. dad gets PISSED and tells jay he can suck it.


on december 26 got begets ANOTHER several inches upon kansas city. jay calls the step mom and tells her it's still too nasty to risk it in the minivan and that he'll mail the gifts for dad and maggie.


dad calls back 5 minutes later and tells jay to suck it HARD and to keep his fucking christmas gifts.


HO HO HO!! grandpa sez merry christmas, kiddies!


so i'm not sure if i'm supposed to mail MY gifts or not or if i should call this jackass and set him straight. historically speaking, we do not discuss anything more emotionally involved than the price of gas or the weather, so i'm thinking i'll just avoid this one completely.


hope your holidays were merry!

spread out the dicks!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2t3FbYBXWDw


Too many dicks on the dance floor
Too many dicks on the dance floor
Too many dicks
Too many dicks on the dance floor
Too many dicks
Too many dicks on the dance floor
Too many dicks
[Jemaine]
Going to the party
Sippin' on Bacardi
Wanna meet a hottie
But there's Adam, Steve and Marty
There's Billy, Todd and Tommy
They're on leave from the army
The only boobs I'll see tonight will be made of origami
[Bret]
Tell the players, make it understood
It ain't no good if there's too much wood
Make sure you know before you go
The dance floor bro-hoe ratio
Five to one is a brodeo
Tell Steve and Mike it's time to go
Wait outside all night to find
Twenty dudes in a conga line
Too many dicks on the dance floor
Easy to fix
Too many dicks on the dance floor
Spread out the dicks
[Dave]
Too many dudes
With too many dicks
Too close to my shit
Too hard to meet chicks
I need better odds
More broads, less rods
I came to do battle
Scadaddle with the cattle prods
[Jemaine]
Too many men
Too many boys
Too many misters
Not enough sisters
Too much time on, too many hands
Not enough ladies, too many mans
[Jemaine]
Too many dicks
Too many dongs
Too many schlongs
Now sing this song

meet my wed nite ed teacher

okay, so yes, that's soap star brian bloom. but this is who my wednesday night education teacher looks like. i'm very excited about it.

unfortunately my monday night education teacher looks like this.

complete with pocket square and argyle sweater under the blazer.

i'm confused

here's the thing. my brain tells me i should be more attracted to bret (the scruffy beard), but my heart tells me it's jemaine who i love.

i also realize that none of you know who these people are. :) i just wanted to share.

did i mention they have accents?

summer of love?

i need to know what was on the last summer of love cd so i can make a sydney's bachelorette edition.....

pls help.

the magic of facebook

so today i got a message on my facebook. 'are you the girl i went to college with?'

i look at the pic. hmm. nice looking guy, might be familiar.

read his profile.

OMG! this is the shaggy haired, blonde hockey player whose dad was a DJ in chicago. he went on and on about how awesome chicago was (sound familiar) and he smoked a lot of weed. i was his fraternity 'little sister'. we frequently had casual sex mostly because his frat's parties were lame. he wasn't bad.

FAST FORWARD 2009:
crew cut.
military uniform. lots of medals on the chest.
photo with his wife. WAY too much gum in her smile. and she's wearing A TEDDY BEAR SWEATER WITH A WHITE TURTLENECK. i shit you not.
he's a kansas highway patrolman on active guard duty in afghanistan.
the complete and polar opposite of what he was in college.
something like "i love god and my country" in his profile.

i need to know what cult got ahold of him after graduation.

paul's 5th anniversary gift

one of my sorority sisters is a wedding/portrait photographer. she's opening a new studio where she is going to take 'boudoir' photographs. she brought a couple of samples to our meeting last night and her stuff is HOT! she photoshops it so you look like a britney spears video. i'm totally going to do it for paul for our 5th this fall!!

so now i have to lose 15 lbs and get a tan. :)

eek. ew.

proof my 'no childbirth' policy was a good one.

DRIVE US OUTTA HERE, ROXY!!

SOMEPLACE WARMER!!  WITH BETTER DANCE MUSIC!!

our room steward maynard left this for us.....

i'm pretty sure it's some sort of evil demon creature in bahamian voo-doo.  cause it sure the hell ain't no cute and cuddly bunny......

is there something cool up there?

nope.  same shit, different poop deck.

at least it was warm on the "ball deck" because of the high walls to keep the basketballs/dodgeballs/pingpong balls from going in the ocean.

where paul was pretty sure if something fell overboard that the staff of the monarch of the seas would retrieve it.  yeah, even strangers went "really?!!" on that one.

a lovely gay couple we were seated with at dinner

you know how it is on cruises.....they put you at a table with a mixed bag of strangers.  that's how we met this lovely married couple from vermont.  it's a shame that you can't tell that these drinks were in light up glasses!

first of all

i'd like to thank the fans who've demanded more posts from the summer of love continues.  we've heard your cries for more, more, more!!  

in fact, sometimes we've heard your cries for more, more, m

ore thru the flimsy walls of the cheap hotel/boat rooms we're staying in and frankly, we'd like you and your husband/boyfriend/manwhore to tone it down a bit.

roxy sez "it's time to partay".

go me...

17 days and counting...woo-hoo!! :)

Um ... Not that I'm in a place to judge,

BUT Jessica Simpson is looking a little chunky.

What the hell happened?

this seems better, right?

is this too short for me?

i think it's too short.  my abs don't look like that, either.

i don't think i have abs, technically speaking.

i am PISSED!!

filene's basement in schaumburg is CLOSING.  at the end of february.  where am i supposed to shop now??  where am i supposed to buy $150 purses for $25??  where am i supposed to buy ralph lauren clothes for $10??  sh!t!! 

seriously.  there are only three nice things i can say about chicago and one of them is about to take a major hit!!

by request

let me just state for the record that i am not cheap.

okay.

i'm cheap.  and booze on a cruise is expensive.  assume $6 per fruity rum drink plus an obligatory 15% gratuity.  that's like $7 a drink.  let's assume i have one with lunch.  plus 3 by the pool in the afternoon.  plus one before dinner.  plus 4 to 6 while dancing.  that's 11 drinks a day.  or $77 per day!!  it's a three night cruise.  so i'm spending $231 on drinks!!!  and there are two of us!!!  so i'm spending FOURHUNDREDSIXTYTWO dollars on rum and fruit juice!!

let's look at roxy's situation.  she's a lush.  she can drink me under the table.  frankly, she can drink most long shoremen under the table.  her husband is literally twice the size of my husband.  paul looks like an italian leprechaun next to daniel.  if i'm spending FOURHUNDREDSIXTYTWO dollars on booze, then they are spending WAY more. 

and because roxy and i are traveling with our baggage for a change, we probably aren't going to get drinks purchased for us by horny twenty somethings.  at least not while the italian leprechaun and the body guard are in the vicinity.  what kind of vacation is it that requires us to spend more than airfare on rum?!!

do we want to spend FOURHUNDREDSIXTYTWO dollars on booze when we could buy these x-ray proof plastic flasks for $20 and our own booze (most of mine is courtesy of dino's liquor anyway)?

NO WE DO NOT!!

this is where....

rox and i will be three weeks from right now.  okay not TO THE MINUTE, but we'll have been here earlier in the day.

it's going to be so much nicer than sitting in frigid chicago on a saturday night, waiting for my daughter to put on her pjs while listening to my husband try to sleep away his hangover from HAPPY HOUR last night.

my life is so glamorous.

Destination Suggestions?

OK, chicas. We are getting close. It will either be a May 16 wedding here in KC (Independence B&B) OR we can have a destination wedding. However, I can't seem to find the right combo of place that will do the ceremony and reception for a decent price, on top of our travel. As well as keeping costs low for anyone who wants to come. I figure about 20 people MAX. I also need it to be kid-friendly for my flowergirl. I have researched Bahamas, Aruba, Florida, Colorado and places in Sonoma and Napa Valley.

If anyone has suggestions or would like to hop on the Research Wagon, please feel free to do so. I want to set everything by this weekend so I can enjoy Mexico.

Once this part is over, I expect this planning process to be more fun. Because this part is REALLY sucking.

if you have not heard this song...

love remains the same, the classical guitar version off itunes, by gavin rossdale.

it's so beautiful i could cry.

new year new five

i'm dedicating this list to roxy and never-ending crusade to improve the men i fantasize about......

alan rickman: he's gorgeous and british. his accent and the way he speaks is very proper and restrained and ridiculously sexy. plus he makes an excellent bad guy.

ricky gervais: super funny, super smart. also british. not traditionally hot, but you know that's not what i go for. adorable and sweet and sad in ghost town. rent it!

paul rudd: so very cute, so very funny. and i'll bet he likes taco via.

bill hader: funniest guy on SNL right now. i want him to pretend he's the italian talk show host on our first date. the ENTIRE date.

colin firth: i'm not anticipating any objections to this one. who doesn't love mr. darcy? so gorgeous. a big liberal hippie in real life, too! did i mention he's british?

Does this make anyone else feel old?

The Real World has selected its Brooklyn Cast for the next season. The 21st season... we have been living in a world where Real World has been going on for over 20 years!!!! Doesn't that make Eric like 40 something?

you should see the twins in this thing!!

except:

1.  i just got this bra at the VS semi-annual sale in CHEETAH.

2.  my boobs are WAAAAY bigger than hers.  seriously, i could stop traffic.

rox, i've got to take these girls out somewhere.  you say there's a good spot for fish and chips in omaha?

my midnight text conversation

happy new year!

having fun?

Not so much!  Hope u are!

happy new year!

i wirh i was w u

You're slurring ur words. 

me?

We watched zohan, mummy 3.  Now going 2 bed w the kitties.  Whee!

crvise coming soon

Cruise is not spelled w a V, u drunken crumpet!

u shnuld c the caonadian that joined us.  crumpet.

I'm not sure where canoadia is, but i don't think they have the accent.