christmas

well, my mom left this morning. so christmas is officially over.

my favorite gift:
susan sent me barack obama magnetic paper dolls. it made me happy. he's currently on my fridge wearing nothing but a santa hat, a lei, and a smile.

paul's gift:
a horribly ugly pair of boots that i had put as a possible on a list of 5 pair that i sent him back in november. and i mean ugly in a good way. they were shaggy goat hair with peacock trim. unfortunately, they were too tight. so i took them back to DSW and got some steve madden boots that look like uggs, but they've got suede fringe down the side. very hippie chick. super cute.

he also got me rock band 2 for wii, which isn't so much for me as the family, but i did also want it. the drum set connector thing doesn't work, so EA has to send me a replacement. this sucks because i'm the family band's drummer. next summer we're getting a VW van and touring the country.

stanfa gift:
paul's mom LOVES this stuffed animal things called 'woof n poof'. don't know why. they're not that fabulous, but she buys all of the adult girls one every year. mine this year is a reindeer that plays 'rudolph'. the price tag was still on it....$60.

she also got me the new diffuser hair dryer i asked for. it's got a retractable cord. so that's cool. and a lenox type statue of the wicked queen from snow white.

my mom gift:
she made me a quilt. so i love it. and she gave me school supplies for when i start college eventually/finally. and nail polish and a bunch of fun stuff. and a wad of money. :)

what'd you girls get?

Summer: We need to talk ...

This is the man of your dreams?

Please excuse my ignorance regarding all things drug related, but isn't this bloody nose the result of cocaine snorting?

In case you aren't sure, here's a better picture. He is obviously oblivious to the blood running down to his grosstache.

It's not like he just got in a fight or something. He's taking a picture with a lady. A lady who probably wants to puke.

Just like you should, Summer. Just like you should.

will try to be nice

i'm going to be nice.

this is a picture of kate with tom's biological kid, madelyn.

ummm.....

okay, i can't be nice.

1. suzanne posted this pic on facebook with the comment "sisters". not really sisters. maybe half sisters, but not LITERALLY half sisters if you know what i mean.

2. that kid's got his ears. they can pin them back with surgery.

3. please insert your own in-bred hillbilly joke here. include if you can those uneven bangs. i realize they're not the kid's fault and my own daughter is wearing lens-less frames, but it's too obvious to overlook. in fact, the kid could probably have cut her own bangs straighter than that with playdoh scissors.

i'll stop because it's so close to christmas i'm afraid i might be struck down by lightning.

why

do the people i love insist on giving me snow globes for christmas?

my dad sent me (unwrapped) a mickey mouse christmas snowglobe for christmas.  it's hideous.  it's large.  i can't store those things in the shed because of the temperatures.  so now it will have to be stored somewhere in my house.

it's big.  and it must be out of date because i can't find a picture to show you all.....

AND since i think it's out of date and i can't find it anywhere on the internet and because there is no gift receipt i get to keep it.  maybe i'll regift it.  i've got a wedding coming up....

they also sent kate clothes without a gift receipt.  who does that?  i mean, sure, if it's a tshirt with gnomes on it, but these are warm ups from target with the price tag still attached.  why wouldn't you include the gift receipt?  especially when the kid is so hard to fit?

for roxy

1.  do you have this book?

2.  does it have a recipe for the white spin dip that rio bravo used to serve?

another idiot in my life

tom calls this morning and tells me that he will have his other kid, madelyn, on the tuesday that he has kate for christmas next week.  tuesday is the day that tom's new wife suzanne's family has their giant all-the-kids-and-grandkids chaos party.

madelyn is three and hasn't seen tom since she was about 6 months old.  so you know that's going to go over really well.  he's got such a way with kids.

tom says, "can you talk to kate about what is going to happen on tuesday, explain to her that her sister will be there, and set up the expectation that i'll have to share my time with both girls?"

ummmm....."no.  i don't really think that falls under my responsibility.  you should have plenty of time to talk to her between now and then."

my alibi

when i kill my freakin' husband and his damn dog before the end of the evening, you'll know why....

i pass my husband who is sitting on his fat ass monitoring his fantasy football team, watching the non-bears game on tv.  my arms are LOADED with laundry.  he says, "whatcha doin'?

"what the hell does it look like i'm doing?  the never-ending pile of laundry."

"i know how you feel."

"REALLY?  based on what?"

"i always have to do the dishes."

and by this he means he has to rinse off the dishes and put them in the dishwasher.  kate clears the table and i unload the washer.

"you have to do the dishes.  where do you think the meal that was ON the dishes comes from?"

sarcastically, "i know.  you do everything."

i do DO everything.  furthermore, that idiot dog is taking the pile of laundry i have sorted and pulling out her favorite pieces.  she prefers socks and underwear.  and she REFUSES to stop chasing lizzie.  i'm sitting with my shoe on my lap now so i can beat the damn dog with it every time she sticks her nose in the cat's business.

holiday bitch time

while i'm sure you have not forgotten, i will remind you that i do not like the above family.  paul's hot brother tom's wife and kids.

okay, the kid on the left isn't so bad.  i haven't really heard her speak, but at least it's because i haven't seen these people in a while.  it's also because paula babytalks her children so that they are speech delayed.  the older one is first grade and can't pronounce Rs and Ls which is a problem because her name is lauren.

so for christmas this year, they north carolina stanfas have decided NOT to come to chicago.  hip hip hooray!  this mean i don't have to drive down to chicago heights TWICE because that bitch paula INSISTS on having a separate christmas and birthday party for devil-spawn lauren who was ironically born on christmas day.  it also takes a load of stress off paul's parents because although she's a bigwig for glaxo wellcome, they refuse to rent a car leaving one parent stranded at all times.

anyway.  we always exchange gifts for the kids, i've been shopping just like i usually would.  i bought all 4 of the stanfa granddaughters the same minnie mouse tshirt and stuffed animal at the disney store at their summer clearance.  cute.  matchy matchy.

then for lindsey i bought inflatable alphabet blocks from the learning exchange.  catalog price:  $39.99.  not what i paid, but i am an extraordinarily good shopper and that should not be held against me.  they inflate to about 5 inches cubed and have velcro on the sides so you can attach C-A-T, etc.  very nice, very heavy vinyl.

for lauren i bought a magnificent present.  lauren likes bugs and frogs.  at the beach she likes to dig up sand crabs and take them home in jars.  there is nothing wrong with this, but i know it drives her mother fucking crazy, especially when paula is all about the matching lily pulitzer dresses and the american girl dolls.  so i bought lauren aquasaurs.  what are aquasaurs you may ask?  they are like sea monkeys, but they are about 2 inches long.  it's exactly the kind of thing that lauren will freaking love and her mother will freaking hate.  it's perfect.  honestly, of the gifts i've bought this year, it's one of my favorites.

so i gathered all of these items and painstakingly wrapped them.  on the matchy matchy tshirts, i used package tie ons with the girls names on them that i bought at christmas last year.  the paper is all hello kitty with bright silver bows.  the tags say things like "merry christmas, love kate."

when we were at disneyland in october, i got each girl a disney nametag with their names engraved on it.  a princess one for lindsey and a tinkerbelle for lauren.  i put those in their gifts as well.

i also included lauren's birthday gift, a monkey tshirt (what's his name....jack or something) that all the kids wear with a matching monkey webkinz.

i boxed all the stuff up, which required TWO boxes.  i mailed it from the post office today so it would arrive in plenty of time.

wow.  that's a lot of work.  it must mean that i really care.  you know i don't, but damn if it doesn't look like i do!!

when i get home from work and the post office, i have a small package in the mail.  from walmart.  since i'm sure i didn't order anything from WM, it must be a gift.

it is.  it's a DS videogame for kate.  unwrapped.  no gift card attached.  just a receipt made out to paula stanfa for $29.99 plus $5 for tax and shipping.

do you know how much it costs to have a package wrapped at walmart.com?  $3.88.  less than four fucking dollars.

so now, i get to WRAP the gift paula sent kate, label it, put it under the tree, file the receipt, and take the damn game back to walmart because it's some boyish mario brothers game that kate would never play.  bitch asked denise to ask me to send a list of gift suggestions for kate.  i included 2 american girl outfits (both in the $25 range) and some book titles ranging from $3 to $20.

so fucking rude.  

wow!

kate booked an american girl catalog!

gold, shotguns, stingrays, and pornography

that could be my favorite blog title ever.

okay, so i wanted to tell you what i did last night. the beanie baby boys have branched out into gold buying. naturally. it's a logical progression.

anyway, one of the things they do is home parties. it's like a tupperware party, but instead of buying crap from the hostess, we buy the gold and give cash to the party guests. it's way more fun for the attendees and the hostess gets commission, $25-$50 for food (depending on the number of guests) and a gift cert for an hour massage. i've done a couple with jake and they are relatively painless. nice hors d'ouvres, maybe a glass of wine, talk about the holidays. takes maybe 2 hours.

so sunday night, he asks if i can help with another party. sure! i'd love to make $50 eating spin dip and looking through people's jewelry. but this party was a little different.....

first, we pull up to the house. there are no cars in the driveway or around the house. i'm like "well, maybe everyone is in the neighborhood and walked."

so we go inside. there is no spin dip. there are no neighborhood ladies. there's a woman, two VERY rowdy children, and a giant fishtank. with a stingray in it.

jake looks nervous. "it's an open house," she says. "people will be coming in and out." okay. we set up shop at the kitchen table. her name is ann. she has crooked tobacco stained teeth. it bugs me. a lot. we start with ann's mother's jewelry. she dumps out a pile of avon shit from 1986. none of it gold. now, i'm used to saying, "this ring is gold electroplate and this bracelet is costume, but i can pay you $200 for your broken herringbone chains and mis-matched earrings." but i have to tell MOM that her jewelry is all junk.

then the in-laws arrive. they are as overbearing as anyone i've ever met. the dad sits down next to me, all 250pounds of him. he starts talking and doesn't shut up for the next 4 hours. he's got two kids, he's got 3 grandkids, he used to work for the chicago sun times, he used to work maintenance for the school district, he was the 2000 wisconsin state trap-shooting champion, but he can't shoot very well right now because he needs both knees replaced. he likes to wear his son's old shoes because they're perfectly broken in. he thinks kansas is a great place for pheasant hunting. both his kids ride motorcycles and he thinks that's terribly dangerous. his son drove on his bike to alaska over the summer. ON AND ON AND ON.

mom-in-law regards each piece of shit jewelry that she pulls from her ziplock bag as the hope diamond. i have to price it out for her individually. as in, i will give you $7 for this earring. then she debates it for 10 minutes. i will give you $25 for this gold cross. 10 minutes of bullshit about the price. "gold is $700 per ounce today," she says. jake's like "yes, for 24karat brick, refined already." i ended up giving her $250 and telling her that her dead mother's bracelet wasn't gold. FUN!

so, then the son comes home. he's 6'5" and actually kind of a hottie. i'm thinking how did cigarette ann score this hunk. but then he opens his mouth. OMG. he was like a cartoon. he sits down next to his dad who is STILL talking to me. he joins in the conversation about motorcycles and hunting. "dad, lemme show you my new gun." so he goes downstairs and comes up with a shotgun and a target attached to a plank of wood. HE SHOOTS THE GUN IN THE BASEMENT OF HIS SUBURBAN HOME FOR FUN. cigarette ann says, "it's fine as long as he don't hit anything but the wood." hubby says "nah, i got an old piece of granite countertop i found at a construction site behind the wood so it won't go thru." dad suggests he put the granite at a downward angle so when the bullets riccochet he doesn't shoot himself. i'm pretty sure hubby stole the granite and that one of the children will be dead before puberty.

my phone rings because my family is wondering why i haven't come home yet. i text back that i'm still working. hubby pulls out his phone to show me how cool the touch screen is. then he shows me a picture on his phone of a black-face obama dollar. in the spirit of professionalism i do not throw the phone, but kick jake under the table. hubby then asks if i like racy pictures. jake says, "no, but i don't mind" to deflect hubby who seems to "have taken a shine to me."

so hubby texts the following to jake:

1. a girls gone wild style picture of three teenaged girls.
2. a woman performing fellatio on a horse.
3. a threesome involving elderly men performing fellatio on each other.

besides learning that hubby is a racist and a fan of really raunchy porn, i know that he used to drive a pick up truck that he had converted into a convertible himself using a circular saw. his daughter threw up in her bed last week and he left the vomit and the comforter in her bathroom for 4 days before cleaning it. he doesn't mind cleaning up puke, but he doesn't do poo or boogers. he doesn't have a credit card and used his ATM card to buy gas for his bike while driving to alaska and had a hard time understanding currency conversion and why the gas station would put a $200 hold on his card until the charge cleared his bank, making it impossible for him to buy gas at the next stop so that cigarette ann had to wire money to him.

cigarette ann brings us some "punch". it's sprite and vanilla ice cream. i gag. she also tells us to help ourselves to some munchies. she's got ruffles potato chips and sour cream dip and spray cheese on ritz crackers. swanky. we wait around for one late arriving open house guest because we've been told she's got 4 broken chains she'd like to sell and that she's on her way. princess has 3 broken lead chains. i pay her $14 for her 10K piece and we get the hell out.

we are there for 4 1/2 hours and buy a grand total of $700 worth of gold. which is ridiculously bad. i had no idea rednecks lived in this part of the country.

Newsflash - BLING! BLING!

Attention girls... I have gossip!

I am joining the land of the married!!

Ryan proposed Saturday after bringing home our Christmas tree! We got out the decor and starting hanging ornaments. He handed me a Keepsake ornament box saying he bought it thinking we could put a picture of the kids (doggies) in it. As I was about to be upset that he wasn't putting in my stocking or wrapping it up, I opened the box. There was no ornament... just a fancy diamond ring!!

He got down on one knee. I was so shocked I got right down there with him. He even called Dad the day before to ask for his blessing. I can't believe he surprised me!!!! We had been looking at rings so I was wondering when he was going to make his move. He is a very sneaky one!!

So, there will be a party to plan girls!!!

so, there are so many things wrong about this.....

1.  we'll start with my confession:  i get into my husband's facebook account because he uses the same password for everything.

2.  so i was looking at his friends.  one is tony demma.  you know, the tony i hate.  so tony demma has 4 pictures in his profile.  so i look at tony's pictures, mostly to see if his wife is in any of them.  she's not.  there's one pic of his kid, a couple of group 'party shots' and one with tony and a woman.  it's not his wife, but guess who it is?

3.  one of the four pictures tony has on his profile is tony and roxy!!  at my wedding.  isn't that a little strange?

what can i get you to drink?

rox, the pool bar will be open in 2 months.

i'm going to tell the bartender "something with rum in it".

FUG

I can't understand why women find this attractive.

He's filthy.

And I'm sure he smells.

He's publicly said that he washes his hair only every 2 weeks.

roxy is gross

i'm hideous!  look away!!

sweet little jack

gave lizzie and me ringworm.

or as my dermatologist said from 5 feet away, "oo! that's a good one! i'll get you some ointment."

she didn't even have to look close.

lizzie and jack go to the vet friday. in the meantime, they suggested i purchase some really, really stinky shampoo and wash both cats and dogs in it.

who wants to come over and help?!?

need someone to stop me....

from buying britney spears' 'womanizer' song on itunes.

i love that song.

i hate myself for it.

thanksgiving weekend

i hope all of you had a wonderful turkey day weekend, especially roxy who was hosting the feast!

we went to my brother's in des moines. AH! beautiful des moines, iowa.

molly is doing dinner. i'm doing green bean casserole, because you know i can open a can like nobody's business. my mother made this god-awful "twice baked" sweet potato thing. with nuts on top. horrible. really just awful.

we sit down to dinner. jay's kid logan, age FIVE. FIVE. declares he's not going to eat any of the food on his plate. "I DON'T LIKE IT!" he screams. like a freakin' toddler. he is sent to his room. he comes down when he hears that it's time for dessert. molly baked apple pie. "I DON'T LIKE IT!" he screams. (neither do i, but that's okay because i brought 'puppy chow' mix.) a shouting match ensues. it's all my mother can do not to snatch up and beat the kid. and his mother. and my brother. it was a terrible display.

end of story? they make the kid a microwave pizza.

friday, molly and i went black friday shopping. we actually went to walmart where molly wanted to buy 2 video game chairs that were in the ad for $30. so we join the hoard (fortunately they were decent enough humans in iowa NOT to trample the store employees). i had to ditch my cart because there were so fucking many people that i literally couldn't move. so i find the damn video game chairs and they weigh 30 pounds and are in the biggest freaking box you've ever seen, so i grab one and then try to find molly. i give up and wait for her in line to check out. the line is so long that we have time for her to find me, go back and get a second video game chair, take turns manning the cart while the other shops. i buy a copy of transformers on blue ray that i ended up taking back today (got it for $5 cheaper at best buy) and a pair of hannah montana crocs for kate to wear around the house. so there. i've contributed to the downfall of the economy by shopping at walmart.

then we move on to target. i'm able to get the $50 DVD player i wanted for the car eventhough we've arrived a good 45 minutes after the store opened. unfortunately, we miss out on ALL the wii or DS game sales. sad news.

next, kohls. i don't need anything here. line curls around to the back of the store, so i wait while molly shops. she buys an apron for her bratty ass kid's preschool teacher for christmas. i'm thinking "i'm waiting so you can buy an apron?? i'll give you the $5 you're saving." so when she's done, i wander for a few minutes and find harry potter scene it for kate.

finally, best buy. i buy some phones for my mom.

tom and his lovely wife suzanne come up to des moines to hang with kate for the day. they go to a movie. molly invites them to stay for dinner. tacos. molly's parents are there, too. logan eats a tortilla. then molly gives him junk food all night. i want to strangle the kid. it's no wonder he's so small and pale. he only eats carbs. i've literally NEVER SEEN HIM EAT A VEGETABLE.

on that note, i've never seen molly eat a veggie, either. so there you have it.

saturday we get a big family portrait taken for my mom and my dad and maggie as christmas gifts. super fun. logan didn't eat any of the breakfast casserole molly made, so he's eating chewy fruits. i lose count at 4 bags. the little kid, lucas, who is as cute as cute can be is eating banana flavored puff things. like cheerios. kate had a turkey sandwich and mashed potatoes for breakfast, so she's not snaking at all. pics come out fair, but acceptable.

we play wii all afternoon. molly asked me not to bring raving rabbids, so naturally i did. we play that. logan can't work the wii remote and kate is irritated with his pouting and whining. they disappear. jay breaks out the rockband. SUPER FUN. we rock the house. kate joins back in and does "dirty little secret" so well that she scores a 100% on vocals.

so there's my magical holiday moment:

kate singing "dirty little secret" while her mom plays pretend drums and her uncle plays pretend guitar.